If your behaviour system is complicated then it is not sustainable and might be causing you more conflict.

If it’s based on reward then it breeds entitlement

If your behaviour strategy wouldn’t work on a teenager then you are headed for a pickle

If it’s based in fear then it’s also based in disconnection. Disconnected kids

Most behaviour management systems are rooted in fear and control. I am going to make a case that fear and control are unnecessary, that you can still get the outcome we all want; to raise respectful kids who develop into awesome humans, without shame, control and fear running the show.

Another way is possible.

So many of the behaviour management strategies I list below are complicated. But it doesn’t have to be this complicated to raise well adjusted kids. Your behaviour system might be the thing causing you the behaviour issues. Parenting is hard enough without adding in extra complexity.

So... before you read this... if you are using these techniques and this blog post triggers you, that makes sense there is so much dodgy advice out there.

1) Pom Pom Jars and Reward Charts Don’t Work

Is a teenager going to give two hoots about a pom pom jar. No. And if a teenager wouldn’t care then its not a sustainable strategy. These systems can cause a lot of conflict in the parent child relationship as they put parent in the role of judge allways monitoring behaviour rather than in the more generous role of guide and mentor. Pom Pom jars and reward chards can also create the exact opposite of what you want. They can breed entitlement, where the child will only comply if there is a reward or something in it for them. Entitled teenagers are uncooperative and don’t listen to adults. Nobody wants that.

If a child could behave better they would behave better.

Giving extrinsic reward for behaviour ignores the reason why the behaviour is happening in the first place. Children learn to repress their emotions and needs in order to get rewards but the child’s need that was causing the behaviour is still unmet.

2) Magic 123 is anything but magic

This behaviour gives 3 more opportunities for negative behaviour to continue whilst offering sero support or guidance for the child as to how to behave differently. This approach ignores the need under the behaviour. It’s a fear based system that relies on threat. Fear is disempowering but most behaviour issues start in the first place because the child is seeking power. Disempowering children is a short term fix all it does is push the need for power down the line.

There are plenty of ways in which the child can be guided to behave without the need for fear and disempowerment.

Magic 123 also puts very unrealistic expectations on children to be able to curb their impulse control and repress their emotions without giving them any support to do so.

Ignoring Misbehaving Children Causes More Behaviour Issues

All behaviour is a sign of an unmet need. When we ignore a child’s behaviour without getting curious about the need underneath it we solve nothing. It can also be invalidating let alone infuriating for the child. Some children might find ignoring extremely distressing as from the child’s perspective watching a parent ignore them whilst they are struggling plays upon a childs biggest fear “abandonment” because the parent = survival for the child.

Gold, Silver, Bronze, Green, Blue, Yellow, Red Systems/ Coloured Cards

Even the title of this one is complicated. It’s a recipe for conflict. What’s missing in this approach is a core belief that “children are good” and that behaviour is an attempt for a child to meet a need and regulate. Misbehaviour is not a moral problem. Our children need our guidance not judgement in order to thrive. It puts the parent and child in the dynamic of “judge and known criminal”.

Time Outs Make Behaviour Worse in the Long Run

Time out is based upon the idea that children sit and reflect upon their behaviour but children under 10 are not developmentally capable of truly reflecting on what they have done alone in a time out. In order to reflect upon their behaviour they need support from adults.

Time outs rely on disconnection. Children who are disconnected from their parents are going to behave worse than those who feel securely attached

Check in with your feelings after reading this article? How do you feel? Angry, Guilty, Sad, Confused or Calm.

I can confidently say that I used some of these methods with my eldest son when he was little and they made the behaviour worse. Now at near 8 and using none of the above we rarely have issues and why… because all of these strategies miss the point entirely.

All of the behaviour strategies listed here are disempowering, and yet power is a core human need. When children feel disempowered they respond with fight or fawn towards the parent or they disconnect and seek friends over family.

Parents can be so terrified of giving their children power. Permissive alarm bells start ringing. Parents are so terrified of seeming like bad parents that they can go into "control mode".

The truth is another way is possible.

The way where parents get to be benevolent leaders rather than judges.

The way where kids get their needs met so they don't need to have so many behaviour issues.

Kids thrive when they feel connected, safe and empowered.

If you would like to find a better way to bring peace and flow to your home then please do contact me to book in a discovery call, sign up to my newsletter and follow me on instagram.

Emily Hughes Conscious Parenting Coach