Parenting: Handling Toileting Issues Past Potty Training
So you potty trained your child but perhaps now they are 4, 5, 6 or above and they are still having issues. Well you are not alone 1 in 12 children live with a bowel or bladder issue. It can be really stressful for many reasons, not least because it adds a lot to your mental load.
There are many different causes for toileting issues, some of which may be in the wilful control of your child and some of which may not be
Before we dive into this topic, if you haven’t done so already it's of course always worth ruling out medical things by seeing your doctor and or calling the help lines of either/ both of these charities who specialise in bowel and bladder issues as there are so many non obvious reasons for wee and poop issues. Its worth checking out the following websites and calling the Eric or Bowel and Bladder Helplines.
Toileting issues can be really triggering
Hi, I’m Emily, in my parent coaching practice toileting issues come up as a hot topic for parental stress and that makes a lot of sense. Typical issues might be:
Stress over a child withholding poo or refusing to go to the toilet despite clearly needing to go, or stress over encopresis, wetting, constipation or soiling. Whatever the issue one important thing to remember is this “No one is failing” its just something that needs a little tending to.
What comes up for you?
Wee and Poo issues can bring up a lot of emotions and narratives for parents:
Repulsion/ Disgust- Basic human response
Resentment- “Not this again”/”They aren’t trying”
Dread/ Anxiety- when they see withholding
Confusion- “why is this happening again?”
Anger-“out of control”
Shame/ comparison- “I’ve failed”/ “everyone else has mastered it”
Irritation/ impatience- “Why are they still not getting it?”
Exhaustion- “This is one more thing in my already huge to do list” adds to the mental and practical load
Fear of Emotional Issues- “I’ve screwed my child up/ it’s a sign they are emotionally unstable/ traumatised/ fear that they are enjoying withholding “disturbing behaviour”- a note on this one if it's been triggering to read- emotional issues are one of around 30+ different reasons why a child might be struggling with bowel control.
Lost- “I don’t know how to help my child”
Or something else
Toileting issues through the lens of skills
There can be so many reasons why children might struggle with toileting issues it can be useful to think of them in terms of skills. What skill is your child lacking that if they had the skill toileting would not be an issue? Here are some ideas:
Skill in time management and time perception
Skill in considering likely outcomes
Skill in interpreting bodily signals
Skill in executive functioning- carrying out tasks from start to finish
Skill in transitioning from play to another task
Skill in prioritisation
Mechanical skill that's out of their willful control e.g encopresis/ constipation/ overactive bladder/ allergies etc.
Or another skill
Thinking about toileting through “skills” can be useful as it can be de-shaming i.e. it takes away the idea of moral failure and helps us focus on tangible areas in which we can find growth and help the child.
Taking a Control Holiday
Children have such little control over their own lives. Eating/ Sleeping and Toileting are three areas where children can exert control. As such, they are fertile ground for potential power struggles.
A control holiday is when, for a short period of time with clear boundaries you relinquish control back to the child in order to break the dynamic of control and disempowerment that can so easily happen.
You might say something like:
“ For the next X number days we are going to do an experiment where we put you in charge of reminding yourself to go to the loo and in x number of days we will see how you think the experiment went and what you learned from it.We trust you to make wise choices about your wee because you are in control of your body”
It also might help illuminate whether or not “control” is the issue or if there might be different things (i.e. medical or skills based) holding them back. A control holiday can give you a chance to get unstuck from the same reactions for a few days.
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