Parenting: Handling Toileting Issues Past Potty Training
So you potty trained your child but perhaps now they are 3, 4, 5, 6 or above and they are still having issues. Well you are not alone.
1 in 12 children live with a bowel or bladder issue. So whilst it’s fairly normal, It can be stressful, emotional and add a lot to your mental load
Before we dive into this topic, if you haven’t done so already it's of course worth investigating medical causes by seeing your doctor and or calling the help lines of these charities who specialise in bowel and bladder issues as there are so many non obvious reasons for wee and poop issues such as encopresis and bladder issues. It’s worth checking out the following websites and calling the Eric or Bowel and Bladder Helplines.
Toileting issues can be really triggering
Hi, I’m Emily, in my parent coaching practice toileting issues come up as a hot topic for parental stress and shame and that makes a lot of sense. Typical issues might be:
Stress over a child withholding poo or refusing to go to the toilet despite clearly needing to go, or stress over encopresis, wetting, constipation or soiling.
Whatever the issue one important thing to remember is this “No one is failing” its just something that needs a little tending to.
Wee and Poop Issues are Emotional for Parents
Wee and Poop issues can bring up a lot of emotions and narratives for parents:
Repulsion/ Disgust- Basic human response for having to deal with bodily fluids
Resentment- “Not this again”/”They aren’t trying”
Dread/ Anxiety- when they see withholding
Confusion- “why is this happening again?”
Anger- Feeling “out of control”
Shame/ comparison- “I’ve failed”/ “everyone else has mastered it”
Irritation/ impatience- “Why are they still not getting it?”
Exhaustion- “This is one more thing in my already huge to do list” adds to the mental and practical load
Fear of Emotional Issues- “I’ve screwed my child up/ it’s a sign they are emotionally unstable/ traumatised/ fear that they are enjoying withholding “disturbing behaviour” (a note on this one if it's been triggering to read- emotional issues are one of around 30+ different reasons why a child might be struggling with bowel control)
Lost- “I don’t know how to help my child”
Or something else
Toileting Issues may have put you into Hypervigilence in your Nervous System
Hypervigilence is when you in high stakes and high alert in your nervous system. If your child is struggiling with toileting then there is likely a lack of loads of the things that normally help us feel safe:
Hygiene and feeling like your environment is clean
Predictability
Order
Control
In the absence of these things it makes a lot of sense that you might be feeling tense and on edge. And then of course you read in books and on social media that the more tense and on edge you feel, the more your child is likely to pick up on that…. which of course is very unhelpful because it makes you feel even more tense and on edge and now your feeling guilt and shame too… argh! To get unstuck from this hypervigilent shame storm you know the drill, you have to focus on getting your needs met and lean into acceptance…
“Things are hard right now, this is the reality I find myself in this is a challenge but this challenge does not threaten my sense of integrity and inner worth it just is what it is right now. It’s hard but it’s a quest we must face together”
Framing challenges in your life as quests to overcome can help take us out of hypervigilence and help us feel more in control of our lives. BUT… we must quest wisely which means setting long term targets, bringing our child on board and empowering them and of course all good quests involve support from others. Theres no such thing as a quick fix quest.
Toileting issues through the lens of skills
There can be so many reasons why children might struggle with toileting issues it can be useful to think of them in terms of skills.
What skill is your child lacking that if they had the skill, toileting would not be an issue?
Here are some ideas:
Skills That your Child may yet to have Mastery Over
Skill in time management and time perception
Skill in considering likely outcomes of their actions
Skill in interpreting bodily signals- Interoception
Skill in executive functioning- carrying out tasks from start to finish
Skill in transitioning from play to another task
Skill in prioritisation
Mechanical skill that's out of their willful control e.g encopresis/ constipation/ overactive bladder/ allergies etc.
Thinking about toileting through “skills” can be useful as it can be de-shaming i.e. it takes away the idea of moral failure and helps us focus on tangible areas in which we can find growth and help the child.
Taking a Control Holiday
Children have such little control over their own lives. Eating/ Sleeping and Toileting are three areas where children can exert control. As such, they are fertile ground for potential power struggles.
A control holiday is when, for a short period of time with clear boundaries you relinquish control back to the child in order to break the dynamic of control and disempowerment that can so easily happen.
You might say something like:
“ For the next X number days we are going to do an experiment where we put you in charge of reminding yourself to go to the loo and in x number of days we will see how you think the experiment went and what you learned from it.We trust you to make wise choices about your wee because you are in control of your body”
It also might help illuminate whether or not “control” is the issue or if there might be different things (i.e. medical or skills based) holding them back. A control holiday can give you a chance to get unstuck from the same reactions for a few days.
Set yourself a 6 Months to Help your Child Improve their Toileting. Progress Takes Time
Toileting issues rarely resolve overnight and there are few quick fixes. Progress is often gradual, with good days and setbacks along the way.
It helps to frame improvement as a process rather than a single outcome. Celebrating small wins—such as a child sitting on the toilet more willingly or recognising body signals—can help families see that change is happening even when accidents still occur.
You have enough time to sort this out.
Get out of the “Threat to Progress” trap
There can be this really difficult situation so many parents end up with where they really want their childs toileting to change but their child is not following the advice or boundaries you have put in place to help them reach their goal.
You can then fall into the “Threat to progress trap” where we start feeling angry like our child is purposefully disobeying us. This takes us away from empathy and really, thats what some children may need if you are to break the control deadlock on toileting. The truth is a child who is struggiling with the toilet is struggiling. there are many reasons why that might be but rooting yourself in that phrase “my child is struggling” can help us get out of the “threat to progress trap”.
You are not behind your child is on their own path
Children with toileting difficulties are rarely choosing the situation. Many feel embarrassed, anxious, or ashamed about their accidents. Remember that shame is a paralysing emotion not a motivating one. If children are to change they need to feel like “Leaders in their own lives”.
Reduce the Sense of Isolation
Parents can often feel they are the only family dealing with these challenges but thats just not true many families with kids under 7 are struggling with at least one aspect of toileting. Open conversation—whether with professionals, or other parents—can make a huge difference. This is nothing to feel shamefull about and you are not alone this is just something your kid is struggling with right now.
Keep Hope in View
This is undoubtedly intense right now and your neverous system is likely in a state of hyper vigilence over when the next incident will happen but change will come. The vast majority of children with wee and poo difficulties do improve with time and the right support. It’s very likely that it’s all going to be ok and should challenges still persist, trusting that you are a capable person who (given you have read this far!) is thoughtful, considerate and cares deeply. You are doing great, this is hard but you can handle it.
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