What are Your Beliefs as a Parent?
This summer my youngest learned to swim and he did it largely by shifting what he believed. We were in a holiday park with a pool that had a lazy river i.e. a current that pushed you along. Pushed along by the current, his weak doggy paddle suddenly got much easier. He said to me “Look I can swim” and then when we got out of the lazy river into the main pool which had no current suddenly he was swimming much more strongly than he had ever done before. And so this is true of us as adults. We live what we believe.
What beliefs are in the background of your life which might be driving your behaviour and emotions?
I’m failing
We are “behind”
Everyone else has is sorted
My child’s not listening (see upcoming workshop on this one)
The house is out of control
I’m not a good enough mum/ dad
My kids are spoilt/ entitled/ controlling/ disobedient
What we believe affects how we act. It’s so easy to get stuck in a belief that doesn’t serve you.
What positive things do you believe about yourself/ your kids? How do you feel when you list them out?
How does it feel to say the words “I am a competent and capable parent” does it feel authentic? Is there resistance? What words would feel more authentic?
What do you believe about children? Where do these beliefs come from? Are they serving you? Take this quiz to get some clarity
0- Completely disagree
5- Somewhat agree
10- Strongly agree
Children should obey ____/ ____
Children should be free ____/ ____
Children deserve respect and to be heard ____/ ____
Children need to learn independence early ____/ ____
Children need to know they can depend on their parents ____/ ____
Children should control their emotions____/ ____
Children are inherently emotional beings____/ ____
Children deserve a say in the way they live ____/ ____
Children should do as they are told ____/ ____
What children want is not important ____/ ____
Children need to respect parents ____/ ____
Children are inherently silly and need to learn logic from their parents ____/ ____
Children have inherent wisdom if given the guidance they need ____/ ____
Children’s primary aim is to grow into respectful, useful adults ____/ ____
Children’s primary aim is to be children ____/ ____
Children should be able to express themselves freely ____/ ____
Children’s needs/ wants are less important than adults needs and wants ____/ ____
A good child is a quiet child ____/ ____
Children need to spend most of their time learning/ developing skills ____/ ____
Children need to spend most of their time playing. Through play they will learn and develop skills ____/ ____
Children need to have lots of friends in order to be happy ____/ ____
Friends are less important than family ____/ ____
Are your Beliefs Holding you back?
So many of the issues we have in parenting are based on the unconscious belief that children understand logic in the same way we do. We feel affronted and threatened by our child's behaviour as if it were an adult treating us the same way.
But a child is not a mini adult
Children have undeveloped executive functioning- the ability to carry out tasks independently from start to finish.
Children's brain waves are different to adults. Young children spend much of their time in theta brainwaves the state that adults access only when in deep trance/ meditation.
Growing up is wacky and wild their teeth are literally falling out, their bones are growing... everything is new...they are often navigating complex social interactions all day...there is a lot going on.
We can thrive in having high expectations for our kids but only if these are matched with what's developmentally realistic for our kids' brain development.
