Gentle parenting is getting some harsh treatment in the press lately it's evolved into a cultural narrative through social media and the press that is confusing so many of the parents I work with.

FAFO by contrast is getting a lot of popular press coverage but really it's just a click bait style of parenting and we all need better than that.

When I'm working with parents the most important things are to find a sensible, measured, balanced approach. It's got to work. And working means that it has to work for the parent AND the child and it has to work for the present AND for the future. All these labels can take us away from the core things we need. Intuition and deep inner trust.

The 4 Core Issues with Gentle Parenting*

*I’m refering here to the typical social media narrative on gentle parenting

1) Gentle parenting has become exhausting. It's lead to parents fearfully feeling like they have to validate every emotion and give a choice for everything. It has lead to an overly child centric culture where the child is placed higher than the family.

2) I see so many parents who have become totally confused and burnt out by the Gentle Parenting narrative unable to set boundaries for fear of upsetting their child or causing trauma. It's leaving parents anxious and avoidant of taking their kids to places where their kid might be bored or uncomfortable such as the supermarket or the DIY shop.

3) One of the biggest phrases I hear is “The balance of power in our house is off” i.e. the kids needs are met but the parents are running on empty.

4) Overly meeting your childs needs stops the child from developing “futility resilence” this is being resilient to not getting your needs met i.e. suffering a bit and being able to tollerate that suffering. Fultility resilience is a vital life skill. Because real life is full of futility.

The problem with Fk Around and Find Out Parenting**

This parenting style involves heavy use of consequences. If you don’t wear a coat you will get cold. If you don’t eat your meal you will get hungry.

There is something to be said for this style of parenting in that it puts “Life as the teacher” but...it’s a fine line to a life of conflict and punishment for example one of the examples used when you google FAFO parenting is “If toys are left out they might be taken away or thrown out”

FAFO can quickly decend into a high conflict high stakes cold environment in the home. Where the parent is put in the role of police officer and the child in the role of “known criminal”.

The issue with FAFO is that it fails to take into account a very important truth

“Children are not adults”

FAFO Parenting is Missing 5 Key Things

1) Curiosity-Why is my child struggling to meet this boundary?

2) Skills development- kids can only meet boundaries if they have the skills to do so

3) Coaching- Supporting the child to meet the boundary by coaching them to develop skills

4) Soothing- sometimes kids need nervous system soothing much more than consequences

5) Focus on the parents regulation. FAFO parenting runs the risk of being cold and shaming without curiosity, skills development, coaching and soothing leaving kids to flounder their way through boundaries without support

A more sensible approach- The Boundaried and Benevolent Leader

The Boundaried and Benevolent Leader sets boundaries but recognises that they are hard for children because their executive functioning is weak:

Executive functioning is the ability to carry out tasks from start to finish using skills of logic, time management, impulse control, prioritisation, emotional regulation and self monitoring. So children will need support to develop executive functioning.

The Boundaried and Benevolent Leader sets boundaries that benefit the whole family That sometimes means prioritising the child and that sometimes means prioritising the parent. They are family centric rather than just child centric. Sometimes the child will be bored/ uncomfortable/ not have their needs met but over time with your support, the child will begin to be able to tollerate this more.

Ultimatly the child feels a deeper sense of belonging. They are one part of a strong family unit where everyone matters.

The Boundaried and Benevolent Leader sets boundaries but recognises that their child may struggle to meet the boundary because they dont yet have all the skills required to meet the boundary

Example a child who struggles to leave the house has not mastered the skill of transitions, shifting gears from one state of being to another. They need our help to master this skill.

The Boundaried and Benevolent Leader sets boundaries but recognises that their child may struggle to meet the boundary because they have sensory cravings and aversions that make it hard for them to meet the boundary. Because they are not yet an adult they have not manged to regulate these sensory impulses

Example a child who struggles to sit down for meals and eat all their food may have sensory cravings, aversions and impuses they may need help to temper.

The Boundaried and Benevolent Leader sets boundaries but recognises that their child may struggle to meet the boundary because they have weak emotional regulation and are more sensitive to becoming overstimulated

Example a child who gets overstimulated at and behaves poorly needs soothing and co-regulation not consequences

But... Feel free to ignore all of this becuase truthfully the most important signifiers of whether a parenting style is right for your family are these:

“Does it feel good?”

“Is it working for the long term good of the family?”