Pom Pom Jars and Sticker Charts Don't Work
So... let me start by caveating that statement, pom pom jars and sticker charts might work... for about 5 days and then....well then...they really don't work. So it goes a bit like this they have a short term effect because humans can be short term motivated by extrinsic reward to do unpleasant tasks. But on day 6 things start to wain...The reason being is that the reward no longer seems enough. They can even be demotivating..."Whats the point if all I get is a sticker?"
Stickers and pom poms also have an expiry date because you can't give a sticker to a teenager and expect them to care. The reward has to get bigger and bigger and then what? No one wants to have that dynamic in the teenage years. This dynamic leads to entitlement; “I won’t do anything unless I get a reward/ I deserve a reward even though I haven’t tried hard”. On the flip side, children who really buy into rewards can really struggle in the teenage years with self esteem with beliefs like “If I’m not being praised and rewarded all the time I must be failing”. Certainly as a secondary school teacher for 10 years I saw teens who were hooked on reward and those who had opted out hard from it “I don’t get rewards so whats the point in trying”. The thing that was missing in both cases was the belief that they were “worthy, whole and complete” whether they got reward or not
Emily Hughes - Empowered Parenting Coach
I am an Empowered Parenting Coach, I help parents who are struggling, to understand themselves and their kids better; essentially so they can have a nicer life! Because, if you are living in conflict and struggle with your kids then that’s a life less rich. Contact me today to see how parent coaching could work for you.
The issue is that stickers don't teach skills and they don't impart values
Stickers and Pom Poms only teach kids to seek reward and they miss the values behind the behaviour we want to see change. The values of kindness, connection and cooperation, which underpin most behavioural ruptures, can't be taught by stickers. They are taught by parents coaching and guiding their kids. Parents with generous mindsets in benevolent leadership who are modelling to their kids kinder ways to behave and are looking at the child from the lens of "if they could do better right now then they would".
Using stickers for emotional regulation does not work either and misses the point completely. If we want to teach our kids to emotionally self regulate our kids need US, a sticker won't cut it. We need to model and we need to co-regulate. Giving a child a reward for calming down is asking a child to suppress and mask their pain.
If we think about it, no one wants to be teaching their kids to do things just for extrinsic reward. We have all felt what it's like to be doing things that we don't want to be just to please others or get something... it feels bad... it feels icky. We also all know what it feels like to want to do something because we are intrinsically motivated without thinking that there is any reward in it. We just do it because we want to. As parents that's what we want to encourage more of; intrinsic motivation, the desire to do something just because it feels good to do so.
Sticker charts often create more conflict
We can get into tricky situations that might sound a bit like this
"You're not getting a sticker because your behaviour now is not good"
"But look I am behaving now"
"OK well you can get half a sticker"
"I don't want half a sticker… I don’t care about the stickers”
Things can start getting really silly with threats like "if you don't behave I’m going to take your pom poms out"....que impossible conflict. This is never the way that children were meant to learn how to behave.
Children are much more complex than dogs.
The sticker method is basically like giving a dog a treat. Pavlov's Dog style. But unlike a human, dogs needs are very different. A humans core needs according to Adlerian psychology are Belonging, Significance (believing you are important), Power and Choice... a dogs needs are far more simple.
The sticker chart creates disconnection as the parent is thrust into the role of judge and the child is put into the role of competitor I.e. competing to win something. This dynamic sets kids up to fail. Children need help to meet boundaries. Children need help, guidance and calm sturdy modelling to behave well they don't need rewards.
The sticker chart creates weird internalised messages about a child's worthiness.
"I get a sticker- I am good"
"I didn't get a sticker- I am bad"
But our children are already inherently good they just need some help. Behaviour charts are all about the tip of the iceberg; they stop us getting curious about what's underneath the troubling behaviour.
So... if I shouldn't use sticker chart or pom pom jar what can I do?
Part of the deconditioning of reward culture is to start from the point of victory "My child is good, whole and complete just as they are, they don't need fixing because they are not broken". From this belief we can start seeing things differently with our children. We are their guide and their coach and we can model how to behave through deep connection and through our calm, sturdy presence.
We also have to fundamentally look at behaviour differently. I firmly believe that most of children’s negative behaviour is not within their wilful control it’s often when our children’s nervous system is in fight or flight that their behaviour is poor. A sticker is not going to do anything to calm a dysregulated nervous system.
