The Emotional Challenges Parents Whose Children Have Food Allergies Might Face (And How To Be An Ally)
According to Allergy UK 5-8% of UK kids have a food allergy. My own story with allergies started when my son Gryff was very small. Frothy green poop, poor weight gain, wheezing, monstrous reflux, a lot of crying (me and him) culminating in an A and E trip when he started to poop blood at 6 months. Confirmed as Cows Milk Protein Allergy, his runny poop continued to be an issue until, at age 5, he was also diagnosed with gluten intolerance. Things have evened out with his diet and his guts but there are definitely some lasting control issues for him around food which make a lot of sense given his story.
As allergies go, I count myself to be lucky. Gryff's allergies are Non IGE which means that they are delayed reactions (presenting for him in the guts) the other type of allergy IGE can present in more immediate symptoms, hives, wheezing and anaphylaxis. Read more here.
The Parent Might Struggle with Fear, Control, Anxiety and Hypervigilance
Often the fears parents of kids with allergies have are extremely real and valid.
• Fear that you can't keep your child safe. There may also be a lasting psychological impact from witnessing your child having allergic reactions especially those that resulted in hospital stays
• Fear that they are not getting a well balanced diet
• Fear of nursery or school not taking your child's allergies seriously
• Fear of missing something and being responsible for an allergic reaction
• Feeling like a "shit detective" if your child is having reactions but you don't know what it is they are allergic to. Having to experiment with elimination diets all the while feeling on edge that any meal might cause a reaction
• Associating certain foods with danger/ certain foods seeming like a poison
• Anxiety can result from not having these very real fears soothed. Parents may feel like they always have to be in a state of hypervigilance
• If the child's allergies are severe and if they are contact allergies (the child touches something with trace amounts of the allergen on- because small kids are messy and get food on stuff) the parent may be living in a constant state of alertness as normal things most people take for granted like stay and plays, parties, going to other people's houses may pose real danger to their child.
The Parent Being Misunderstood
• Being made to feel fussy for what is a very real medical issue
• Feeling like you are causing others "work" to cater for your child's dietary needs
• Teachers/nursery staff not having clear understanding of food/ allergen groups especially Dairy and Gluten.
• Allergies being misinterpreted as intolerances "oh he only had a little bit of cake it won't cause any harm", "it's just a biscuit it's not a big deal"
Issues with Food Fatigue and Social Isolation
• Feeling constant pressure to meet nutrition whilst having to exclude things from the child's diet
• Fatigue from constantly having to check everything
• Not feeling safe in restaurants or not being able to go so having to cook all the time.
• Having to constantly think ahead "Is there something my child will be able to eat?"
• Snack fatigue- having to be constantly loaded with allergy safe snacks incase you can't buy and suitable food.
• Fatigue from the extra weight of having to constantly advocate for your child everywhere.
• Issues with Orthorexia from having to think about food so much. Orthorexia refers to an unhealthy obsession with eating “pure” food.
• If a child's allergies are severe it can impact every part of a families life and can be socially isolating. Normal things that people take for granted- parties, restaurants can be dangerous for a child with severe allergies especially those with contact allergies. This can be exacerbated by the lack of awareness of allergies in public places/ amongst friends and family.
If you are a parent reading this whose child has allergies:
Finding solidarity whether through finding other parents whose kids share allergies or finding facebook groups can help you feel seen and truly understood can help buffer tough feelings.
Acknowledging emotions especially grief. Grief for all the normal things that are made more complicated by allergies.
Acknowledging the toll hypervigilance might take on your body and on other aspects of your parenting.
Acknowledging the extra mental load that allergies put upon parents and tending to your own needs/ self care/ reaching out and getting support.
If you are reading this as someone whose child doesn't have allergies you can help by being an ally
Firstly you can show up in empathy and understanding for how tough it is.
Food is such an important part of our culture and when food is quite literally dangerous, the culture can also feel dangerous.
Be willing to make compromises in your own diet/ places to meet up/ food at parties when the child is around. Help a family with allergies feel the belonging that these families often miss out on.
Take a moment to thank yourself for reading to the bottom of this article so that you can show up for your friends with more knowledge compassion and understanding. Pledge to keep on learning about allergies so that you can be an ally and a supporter of families with allergies.