The Biggest Lie in Parenting
One of the most toxic narratives in western parenting is this idea that children are trying to manipulate their parents through their behaviour.
Here is the dictionary definition of manipulation:
“the action of controlling someone in a skilful, clever or unscrupulous way”
But here is the thing: children are not sophisticated enough to truly manipulate their parents. They are not yet “skillful” enough. They are not mini adults.
And yet people use this line all the time "don't respond to their tantrum they are trying to manipulate you"... they are just trying to get their needs met in an unsophisticated way... because they are unsophisticated.
Also the truth here is that the only person that can make you feel out of control is yourself.
This lie cuts us off from our kids. It puts us as their adversaries rather than allies. It is at the root of kids developing a core belief that they are "bad/ naughty/ not good enough" a limiting belief that sticks around in adulthood, a smaller more limited life.
A tantrum is a physiological and psychological release of overwhelm. Whinging is an unsophisticated attempt to get what they want... these are not manipulation.
When we are in the mindset of manipulation our children's behaviour then seems like a threat to our safety.
In my experience as a parent coach most parents are so terrified of being permissive that often they have gone the other way. They are the ones manipulating and being over controlling and as a consequence there is friction in the house as their kids fight back.No one likes to be controlled.
The idea that children are manipulating us cuts us off from empathy and understanding. It prolongs the behaviours you want to stop. It stops us from being in flow with our children.
And hey if you are still not convinced if you really think your kids are manipulating you then what about looking at it a different way. Here is a determined kid trying to be skillful in getting what they want. The next question might be how can I work with this determined, skillful kid and guide them through boundaries and in better ways of communicating.
Your kids are not the enemy.
Want to ride the waves of tantrums and meltdowns with grace and ease? Check out my new course Staying Centred and Grounded when your child is melting down.
Find out more about working with me on my 1:1 and Co parent programmes
