One of the greatest gifts you can give to your child is the gift of belonging. Belonging not to the parent (for of course children can't be owned) but belonging to the family, belonging in their wider family and community/ culture.

Brene Brown defines belonging as the opposite of fitting in. “True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” True belonging is belonging just as you are. It's about feeling like you belong to yourself and don't have to morph, appease, be smaller than you are in order to please others.

Belonging in Family life- Emily Hughes COnscious Parenting Coach

Children who feel like they belong grow into adults who can go anywhere and do anything in life with that core belief that they are “good enough”, worthy of love, friendship, of taking up space. They will believe that they matter. They are also likely to help others feel like they belong too.

Belonging buffers shame and builds true inner confidence and sturdiness.

What our children need more than anything is to know:

“I belong even when I'm sad or grumpy or angry, I belong even when I have mucked up, I belong just as I am without having to be or do anything,I belong in this family, I belong to myself. I belong”

Many adults have a deep wound of belonging. We belonged only in our false selves for our achievements and accomplishments. Or we belonged only when we were sweet and fawning. Feeling a sense of inner belonging is at the heart of secure attachment... from a place of inner belonging lies so much freedom.

Masking your authentic self is exhausting.

What a gift we can give to our kids if we can make that journey to belonging to themselves so much easier. If we can give them the belief that they belong in their family just as they are- no faking or performing needed. They are loved in all their quirks, imperfections and in all of their moods. They are whole and complete just as they are.

Belonging in The Teen Years

In the teenage years the most common limiting beliefs often sound a bit like this

“I'm a freak”

“No one understands me”

These are beliefs of people adrift from belonging.

Let home be that place of belonging so that your kids never get lost in these beliefs.

Belonging can be developed through these core pillars

Safety- emotional safety and safety to be ones truest self

Feedback- Listening and validation. The belief that their voice is important.

Purpose- when people feel like they are useful and needed belonging follows. This is a trickier one in our culture where often childrens chores have often been done either through punishment or financial reward- neither of these help with belonging. Try and find tasks that your children are willing to do and make them feel useful and needed.

Building Memories- One way to create memories is through ritual (family traditions) and rhythm (regular predictable structures in the week)

The Wheel of Belonging

***Dr Erick Carter came up with this wheel of belonging which I really like. All of these words in the wheel sum up how it feels to me when I feel like I belong somewhere.***

5 Ways to Help Create Belonging

Theme nights

-Cooking Night- everyone cooks together

-Nationality food “Mexican night”

-Go to the same restaurant

-Board game night

-Family movie night

-Laundry night - everyone folds laundry together

Tell your children they belong.

So this one might seem a little clunky but give it a whirl. There is often less resistance to hearing sweet things when our children are sleepy.

“You deeply belong in this family”

“I'm glad you are in this family”

“You will always have a home here”

Know your children. Ask them frequently about their likes and dislikes. Often we focus on the likes and not the dislikes in our questioning but giving our children space to vent their dislikes without judgement can help them know themselves better and us to know them.

Involve your children. Seek their input on decisions such as how you will spend your weekend, a meal they would like to eat this week.

Accept your children for who they are and celebrate their uniqueness. If this is hard to do, that makes a great deal of sense. In coaching we often spend time unpacking the imaginary child you thought you would have and celebrating the very real child you have in front of you in all of their quirks.

Tending to Your Own Belonging Wounds

Things that can contribute to feeling a lack of belonging might be:

Having emotionally unintelligent parents

Childhood trauma
Moving a lot as a child
Moving schools a lot
Living amidst prejudice, microaggressions, racism
Not being fully accepted by your parents/ community because of your sexuality/ beliefs/ interests or another aspect of your identity
Moving from your country of origin
Having an absent parent

Cultivating Belonging in Yourself

Notice when you are the one telling you don’t belong and if it’s illogical soothe that part. It’s trying to keep you safe but it might not be serving you

When you feel out of place and nervous practice saying the words in your head “i belong” and observe what comes up