With the best of intentions, Super Nanny has it wrong, really, really wrong on her advice about naughty steps and time outs... the problem is that she doesn't have to live with the children of the families she "helps". The thing with naughty steps and time outs is that they do work... for a short time... about the short time that Super Nanny stays with the family... but they work at a great cost to the parent and child relationship and they fail in the long term because any behaviour management system that works on disconnection is not sustainable.

So... before you read this... if you are using these techniques and this blog post triggers you, first off bags of empathy... there are so few TV shows about parenting. Super Nanny was hailed as the answer to parent’s problems. It's grossly unfair that there is not more media coverage of more gentle ways of parenting. Notice what you; feel; anger, guilt, defensiveness. Hold space for those feelings and get curious why are they coming up.

Secondly fear might come up. Fear that if you don't use these techniques you will be a permissive parent and your family will be out of control. I am with you, I am no fan of permissiveness, I am no fan of families being out of control but there is always another way.

1) The naughty step is not sustainable

Any behaviour management technique that is rooted in disconnection will fail hard when your kids become teenagers. These are short term quick fix strategies that are not sustainable.

When your kids are teenagers you need them to stay close to you. A disconnected teen is a teenager is likely to become peer attached, meaning that their peers become the centre of the teens world and moral compass rather than family. Peer attached kids are much more vulnerable to everything scary in the teenage years... Teens need connection to their parents in order to thrive. Time outs/ naughty steps won't work when your kid is the same size as you because they will just get up and walk away you can't lift a teen back to the naughty step. The question to ask yourself is this: At what age will time outs stop working? Do I want to use a strategy that is going to stop working? What will happen then? Connection, empathy and curiosity are tools that never stop working.

2) The child learns that when they make a mistake they are “naughty” and deserve to be punished

So... I'm guessing most of you reading this were either sent to your room or smacked when you misbehaved as a child

... how's that working out for you as an adult?

When you make a mistake how do you speak to your self? Is it an opportunity for learning and growth or do you punish yourself and get stuck in a shame and anger spiral?

You are a good person... your child is a good person. You are also both human and make mistakes... you deserve compassion and so do your children. A child who is misbehaving needs help and guidance to behave better, not punishment. Yes children need boundaries but they need help to meet them and they need to be met with curiosity when they are unable to meet a boundary.

3) Insanely Unrealistic Expectations

The naughty step puts crazily unrealistic expectations on children to repress their emotions and change their behaviour out of sheer will power and reflection. But they are small and they don't have that sheer willpower or sophisticated powers of self reflection. So what's happening is they either learn to repress on the naughty step... that's not healthy... or they give up from exhaustion... that's not healthy either. Even more concerningly children may learn to fawn in order to avoid punishment. Fawning is a survival response where a person develops people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict and to establish a sense of safety.

4) Opportunities to understand your child are lost over and over again

The naughty step pushes kids away when they need you most. When kids are sent to the step or to their rooms chances to get to know and understand your child better are lost. When you don't understand your child parenting is hard… really hard. Children need parents who are able to attune to them. Chronically misunderstood kids are kids who struggle with their behaviour.

5) Physically overpowering the child

Naughty step often relies on the parent physically overpowering the child in order to get them there and if they come off to get them back there. However gently you try to do it, this can get ugly, ugly, ugly really quickly.

6) Roles: Judge and Criminal

With the naughty step the parent is put in the role of judge and prison warden using power over the child who is put into the role of criminal needing to be detained. This is an unpleasant dynamic.... especially as we all know criminals are notroious for reoffending.

The more natural role of parents is that of teacher guide and coach. The more natural role of child is innocent and uncivilised and in need of guidance. As Dr Gabor Mate writes, from the root word discipline comes the word disciple "a follower or pupil of a teacher, leader, or philosopher". Our children cannot be our disciples if the parent child dynamic is in these unnatural roles of judge and criminal.

7) The naughty step is stressful for kids and parents

The naughty step is stressful for kids and parents. They put both child and parent into a state of fight/ flight. When humans are in this state cortisol and adrenaline is released into the body... it's really hard to behave with cortisol and adrenaline coursing through your body. The naughty step does not make kids feel safe because isolation goes against every survival instinct in the child; children need safe secure attachment to a caregiver in order to feel safe. When kids feel unsafe more behaviour issues may occur.

8) The naughty step teaches kids to deny their needs

If we look at behaviour through a fresh lens, it is an expression of an unmet need. Scenario- A child is hitting their sister who broke his lego... the unmet needs might be space, autonomy and power. Whilst it's never acceptable for a child to hit, if we never get curious about why they are hitting and what the child needs we can end up with kids whose needs are chronically unmet so they keep on doing the same behaviour over and over in over without being understood.

9) The kids who need the most help are the ones who may sent to the naughty step the most

The naughty step works on the ableist and unscientific idea that all behaviour is in the willful control of the child. Sensitive children, children with additional needs or neurodiversity may display behaviours that look like “naughtiness” but are expressions of needs such as sensory over stimulation/ understimulation. Instead of isolating children, Dr Mona Dela hook suggests to “Explore below the surface of behaviors. Think of behaviors as the tip of the iceberg, and all the potential reasons for the behaviors as the larger chunk underneath.”

10) The Naughty Step Creates Weird Ideas around Love and Connection

The naughty step gives really weird ideas about love and connection. The parent is encouraged to silently, physically move the child back to the naughty step without making eye contact if they come off. The parent is forcibly moving the child away from them and then drawing them close to tell them they love them after they have completed their time. It’s a confusing transition. What does this teach the child?... that they are only lovable when they are compliant and quiet and have "served their punishment"...our children deserve unconditional love they need to feel loved and connected even at their worst.

Check in with your feelings after reading this article? How do you feel? Angry, Guilty, Sad, Ashamed or Calm.

If you would like to find a better way to bring peace and flow to your home then please do contact me to book in a discovery call, sign up to my newsletter and follow me on instagram.

Emily Hughes Empowered Parenting Coach