30 ways to De-escalate Conflict with Your Children
This week I wrapped up my 12-week course with a lovely couple and asked them both the same question: what’s the biggest change you’ve made as parents since working with me?
The dad’s answer was gold!:
“I realised one of my most important roles is to de-escalate conflict. I hadn’t seen how much I was escalating it before.”
Such a powerful insight.
It inspired me to share a new resource I’ve created for my clients: 20 Ways to De-escalate Conflict — practical, grounded, and usable in real life.
I hope you enjoy it.
If you could use some support in your parenting this year lets chat
Emily Hughes Parenting Expert and Coach
Body & Presence
Be Boring this is an easy one to remember, keep your energy present but flat. When kids are activated we need to be “Deactivating”.
Notice your body position- If there is no risk of violence towards you, sit down or even better sit on the floor or Get down to the child’s level (kneel or sit) to reduce intimidation or if you can’t do that make sure you aren’t cowering over the child by taking a step back
Relax your face and shoulders—soft eyes, unclenched jaw, slow movements. Focus on your regulation rather than the child’s regulation
Turn your body slightly sideways instead of face-to-face to feel less confrontational.
Offer a calm, open gesture (open arms or palms up)
Use gentle, reassuring touch (hand on back, shoulder, or holding hands) if the child is receptive.
Rather than trying to get the child to breathe, focus on modelling the calm you wish to see. Slow your breathing visibly so the child can mirror it.
Lower your voice or stay silent but nod or say mmm so your child doesn't think you are blanking them—quiet often brings down intensity faster than talking.
Pause before reacting to model control and predictability.
Reduce stimulation—dim lights, turn off TV, move to a quieter space turn on classical music (can bring energy down).
Give physical space if the child needs it, while remaining in the room.
Use slow, simple gestures rather than fast or sharp movements.
Sit calmly and wait—communicating “I’m not going anywhere.”
Repeat back what your child said without fixing/ teaching/ logic lectures (trust that you can come back to this later)
Call another adult who is more regulated for help if you have one
Offer to change the way you are doing something
Go outside with your child or offer to take a walk with the person.
Give the person an “out” so they can “save face” (i.e. letting them go to another room or walking away or redoing the situation/ problem solving the situation).
Descalating Phrases
I hear you, tell me more
Let’s return to this later
I can see you’re really upset. I’m here with you
Let’s take a slow breath out together before we talk
Your feelings make sense
Let’s problem solve this
Let’s slow things down. We have enough time to figure this out
Help me understand what’s going on for you.
I hear how important this is to you
We’re on the same team
Let’s take a pause and then try again
I love you, and we’ll figure this out together
