Do you feel Inherently Safe in Parenting?
Perhaps this is an odd question to some of you but not feeling safe is the feeling that lurks underneath so much of our reactivity in parenting. Often I ask the question to my coaching clients “were you feeling safe?” when we are talking about a time when they were highly reactive in their parenting and people’s default answer is “Yes” but as we delve further and ask more questions it oftens becomes abundantly clear that the driver behind the behaviour is a lack of safety. This makes sense. Many of us were not adequately soothed or reassured as children. Things like our toddler screaming in the supermarket or our children fighting their siblings can feel very unsafe.
There is no tiger in the room
… it just feels like it sometimes
Often our nervous systems are reacting like there is real danger when in reality it’s just that parenting can be a wild ride. Overstimulating, overwhelming and emotional.
When we don’t feel safe we react in order to protect ourselves. But what exactly are we protecting ourselves from?
Shame
The feeling that we are fundamentally flawed. Not worthy and don’t belong. We might feel shame in front of others when our kids behave “non optimally” and feel like we are being judged. We can also feel shame in the spicy hot belief that we are failing and not inherently good enough.
Value Violation
Often when we are reactive it’s because a value has been violated. The problem is often we are not aware of our values and therefore unable to figure out why we are so angry.
Boundary Violation
Boundaries = Safety but if you don’t know what your boundaries are or how to set them they can be violated all the time without you realising what's going on.
Sensory Overstimulation
Parenting for a sensitive person can be like an assault upon the senses. Children are loud, messy, like to climb all over you and can also leave us not attending to our own basic needs for movement, comfort and rest.
Inner Child Wounds
Parenting can bring up past traumas and open wounds you didn’t even know you had
Parenting Without Fear
Parenting without feeling inherently safe is like riding a rollercoaster with no harness gripping onto a guardrail and hoping you don't fall. Parenting without feeling inherently safe makes everything feel so intense. It makes everything feel extremely high stakes.
I came across a hash tag a while back #parentingwithoutfear and I thought fuck yes that's the aim that's what I where I want to help my clients get to.
For me the opposite of fear is:
Feeling an unshakable trust in myself
Surrendering what is out of my control and taking action on what is
Slowing down
Leaning into acceptance and radical generosity we are all trying our best often unsupported
Are you ready to Parent Without Fear?
Join me 1:1 with your Co-Parent or on one of my group coaching cohorts.
I’m Emily I help parents to lead richer family lives.
10 Ways to Start Feeling Safer in Parenting
Slow Down Most of the time urgency is imagined. Reframing “late” which comes with so much shame and messages about being lazy and disorganised can be reinterpreted as merely delayed.
Take Action on Catastrophising- Watch this discussion between me and Mom Coach Maria Leon
Get clear on your values This is something I do with clients on my 12 Week Concious Parenting Confidence Course and Coaching programmes
Get clear on your boundaries Getting clear on boundaries and how to set them peacefully is a game changer
Tend to your inner child It's often them that doesn’t feel safe
Find your sensory calming tool. Things that resource and ground your nervous system.
Don’t just focus on the mind. Consider how the body feels and regularly check in on how it feels to be you in your body.
Find people who you feel relaxed around and spend more time with them and less time with people who make you feel edgy
Work on cultivating a supportive inner voice that can nurture you when you are feeling unsafe. Watch this video with Parent Coach Maria Leon about how to Cultivate a Supportive Inner Voice.
Nature practice. Nature is the great regulator. If we allow it to, nature can be very soothing for our nervous systems
Check in with what you are needing and try to meet your needs as much as possible
Reframe your kids' behaviour. They are operating with a less developed brain than us. Things are going to be more tricky for them. They are not always going to get things right.
