Self Care is Important… but are you Having any Fun?
When I ask parents what they are needing that they are not getting so often and predictably the answer is rest and self care. They need these things because these things are resourcing.
But if resting and self care feel boring they can end up being part of the mental load. More things to do and more things to feel like we are failing at. When people think of self care, mothers especially often say yoga, meditation. These are great but if the thought of doing yoga or meditation feels onerous here is another thought. When was the last time you had fun? And I don't mean your kids having fun as so often we prioritise our kids fun and neglect our own. But you deserve fun and play too.
As we head into winter there is this idea of wintering oneself, hunkering down, snuggling up, resting and hibernation. These might be what you need. Or you might need Christmas jollyness, sparkles, excitement; fun. Fun that feels fun just for you. You might consider what play is for you too.
Rest fills the cup. Fun fills the cup too.
We can get in this mode of being where we are just giving, giving giving and then resting to recover from all the giving. Fun and play have a different flavour to them they are receiving energies.
We need to pendulate. Pendulating in Somatic Healing is when we move from experiencing heightened states in the nervous system to states of calm and grounding and play with moving in between states. But we can also pendulate in our experiences. If you are always feeling drained and low energy in your parenting and no amount of rest is making you feel better you can experiment with pendulating to fun high energy experiences. It's worth a try. This is your life and if you are always feeling drained from being in service mode that's a life less rich.
Hi I am Emily Conscious Parenting Coach And Somatic Therapist
I help parents who feel stuck in frustration/ conflict and overwhelm and to find more ease and flow in family life
Having Fun as Parent Might Look Different to the Fun You Had Before
Here's the thing we might need to find out new ways to have fun. The old ways of having fun may no longer be serving you. For example, many people are drinking less or even being totally sober so the things you used to do before having kids like going out and getting smashed might not appeal anymore. Not least because parenting with a hangover is like a hardcore endurance sport.
There can also be this perception of age that happens when we have kids where we might have the limiting belief we are now too old to do some of the things we used to find fun pre kids. Rather than seeing these as negatives we might want to see this as an opportunity to see how fun and play have evolved for us and how this might be an opportunity to find new ways to play.
Discovering your Play Language
Action, Initiation, And Leadership- Making Plans for holidays/ events
Touch, Cuddles, And Coziness
Learning and Teaching- Learning new skills/ taking a class
“All Eyes On Me”- Performing
Art, Creativity, And Unbounded Expression- Drawing, painting, dancing sculpting
Caregiving And Service- mmm we might do enough of this already but apparently this is a play language!
Stillness, Ease, And Simplicity- Slow cups of tea/ baths
Exploration, Big Movement, And Excitement- Dancing/ lazer tag/ organised sports
Order, Structure, And Dependability- organising things in the house
Quirky Silliness- Goofballing
Intrigue / a good scare- Escape rooms/ horror movies
Sex- How is your sex life since having kids? Sex can be play.
Barriers to Fun
No time
The truth is you don't have enough time you never will have enough time to do all of the things so it’s a question then of priority. Are you always putting yourself at the bottom of the pile? If you are, is that serving you? What are you modelling? The question that might help you is this "How will I ruthlessly prioritise my own wellbeing this week?" Or even better "How will I ruthlessly prioritise fun, pleasure and joy this week?"
Believing that a good mother (because this one doesn't seem to get men so much) is one who sacrifices everything for their kids
This is perhaps the least fun belief ever. Now of course there are some people who do this and genuinely appear to enjoy doing this so keep doing what you are doing if that is you. Your children will be served best by you showing up in authentic presence resourced and grounded. No one is served by burnout and parents stuck in this belief can be headed there.
Not believing your fun is a priority
There can be this thing that can happen when parents start prioritising their child's fun and neglecting theirs. But fun is resourcing and connecting so here is a reframe. By investing in your fun you will be better resourced and therefore more able to show up in warmth joy and presence with your kids. You cannot pour from an empty cup. What might your children learn about being an adult if you never model to them having fun?
Struggling to find friends who want to have fun
Becoming a parent can be a hard one for friendships it can be a time of transition and evolution in your pre kids friendship dynamics and it can take a while to get to the point of "fun" with friends with kids. Here is a thought. Book the thing/ date. Invite people to the thing/ date. If they don’t come they don’t come if they do great. It’s the faffing about of booking the thing and finding the date that it starts becoming more mental load.
Believing that Fun Costs Money
So obviously there is a bit of truth here a lot of things that are fun cost money but there are a great deal of things that don’t. Here are a few ideas:
Movie night
Board game night
Colour me beautiful night- bring a load of different coloured clothes and see what makes you pop
Book group
