Some kids have a steeper journey

Daniel Siegel gives the analogy of a kid riding a bike. Some kids have a fairly smooth ride in life, of course there are hills and challenges but the terrain in the main is quite predictable. But other kids (like those with medical issues) have a steeper incline to ride, life is legitimately a bit more challenging for them. The same is equally true for their parents on their parenting journey.

As parents we can be the supportive team helping to make that incline seem not so steep and supporting our kids. Looking at it really abundantly kids with a steeper journey are getting lots of experiences to build resilience with your support.

Common Feelings a Parent Might Have When their Child has Medical Issues

Guilt- for the child’s distress/ manhandling the child through procedures/ creams etc.

Worry/ fear- For the child’s health

Overwhelm- from the often invisible mental load

Scattered/ distracted- From the “shit detective syndrome” involved in constantly googling symptoms/ treatements

Fatigue- From the relentlessness of considering your child’s needs/ the extra mental load

Grief- For a life you could be having if it weren't for medical issues

Resentment and Envy- The unfairness that not everyone has to bear the burden of their kids having medical issues

Helplessness- in the face of uncertainty

Isolated and lonely- without knowing other parents in a similar position

Sad- for your child and the extra weight they have to carry

Angry- At the unfairness of it all

Common Feelings a Child might have if they have Medical Issues

Fear- To process fear kids may need to cry and tears can be very healing so if a child does cry after a medical incident trust their tears and be there with loving support but don’t try to stop the crying / when they are better playfighting can be a powerful way to release fear and tension.

Anxiety- Over going to the Drs/ procedures

Anger/ rage- fight pathway in the nervous system to protect

Confusion and ambiguity- hospitals and medical interventions may not make sense to a child

Shock- Blood tests/ xrays/ creams etc. can all be shocking

Numbing out (freeze mode)- this might look like a child who is overly compliant with doctors/ being passive

Common Needs for Parents when Their Kid has Medical Issues

Solidarity- With other parents who have similar struggles

Safety- It may feel like there is a constant low level threat

Peace/ nervous system balance- its easy to get stuck in hypervigilance with a kid with medical issues

Freedom- If the medical issue is restricting your life.

Self care- When our care budget is used up caring for others and we neglect ourselves

Common Needs for Kids with Medical Issues

Autonomy- Having Drs/ you having to medically intervene can feel like a threat to a child’s autonomy. There is often no way around this but we can show up with empathy/ understanding and make sure we are giving lots of autonomy in other areas

Soothing and recovery Quiet Cosy times

Perhaps the biggest thing we can do is give kids cosy times to recover from medical interventions should they need it

Solidarity-Knowing other kids have been through challenges “its not just them”. Hearing stories about other people for example if a child is having an operation telling them about operations people they know have had.

Holding space not fixing

It is our instinct to fix and take our child's pain and fear away but perhaps the most important thing we can do is just be there “This is really hard, and I’m here with you.”

Tending to Your Own Needs

Caring for a child with medical needs can feel all-consuming. But when you neglect your own mental and emotional health, burnout becomes inevitable. You may become irritable, numb, or overwhelmed. Your needs are doubly as important if you are having to do a lot of emotional space holding.

Help your child process medical Incidents through storytelling and play

When a child has been through a medical intervention it can be really healing to help them to tell their own story or to hear their story. Storytelling and play are how kids process things. There can be fear that talking about difficult things makes it worse but its really the unsaid/ the unexplained that make difficult childhood experiences trauma. Trauma happens when we feel alone and confused by what has happened. By helping your child process challenging medical experiences they stay as “challenging medical experiences” rather than scary/ terrifying things.

By Emily Hughes Conscious Parenting Coach