Raising Resilient Children

Spring Is in full bloom the blue bells are out in Wanstead Park and they are a good analogy for the topic of this blog post; Resilience. Just like children they are both fragile and resilient. Trample on them and they wilt. Give them space and nurture and they come back year after year in all their beauty.

Something many parents want is to develop resilience in their children. This can align with their values of raising sturdy capable adults or it can be from a fear based place “If my child is resilient then they will be safe”

So how exactly is resilience formed. There are really two types of resilience. False resilience from lack and true resilience from abundance.

False resilience from lack often comes from strict tough treatment without empathy. Strict and tough parenting can have a confusing effect. On the one hand the child gets the sense that someone believes in them and that they need to try hard but on the other hand they are often striving from fear and don’t not accepted for their truest self and can spend a lifetime masking who they truly are striving and people pleasing to make sure no one finds out they are faking it.

True resilience from wholeness comes from a child feeling capable, receiving empathy and an accumulation of positive experiences.

Ways to Help Develop Resilience in Your Children

Develop your own resilience so that you can model it to your kids

A sturdy inner confidence that you can handle things. That you are worthy and capable. FYI this is what we do in parent coaching!

Problem Solving

Often this means pausing before jumping in and giving your child the space to figure things out. Teaching children how to effectively solve problems and cope with challenges is the gift that keeps on giving. Encourage your children to break down problems into smaller parts and brainstorm solutions.

Empathy during adversity

See this instagram post by me where I explain how empathy builds resilience

Move from Fixing to Holding Space

When we trust that we don’t need to fix our problems but that we can hold space and support our children we teach them that they can endure situations where there is no easy solution… which is much of life.

Embracing Failure as a Teacher

A great practice can be to invite reflection on ways in which you have failed this week with each person in the family reflecting. The idea here is to have an easy breezy relationship with failure.

Foster a growth mindset:

Encourage children to view challenges as opportunities for growth and learning. 

Build strong relationships:

Supportive and nurturing relationships are essential for developing resilience. The more strong connections with family, friends, and other supportive adults who can provide guidance and support during difficult times the more resilient a child will feel.

“The single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult. These relationships provide the personalised responsiveness, scaffolding, and protection that buffer children from developmental disruption.Children who do well in the face of serious hardship typically have a biological resistance to adversity and strong relationships with the important adults in their family and community.” Harvard Centre for Child Development

Encourage self-kindness:

Teach children the importance of taking care of themselves we are only as resilient as our resources allow us to be. We can’t pour from an empty cup

Encourage responsibility and trust

If you want your child to be resilient you have to trust them and empower them by challenging them to take responsibility to do hard things. We can’t believe we can achieve hard things if we are never trusted to do hard things.

Trust that Resilience Takes Time

There are no quick fixes to building resilience it takes time. It is the work of a lifetime. If your child gives up easily now there is plenty of time to build resilience.

Do you Want to become a more resilient parent?

Check out my programme Calm, Confident and Connect Parenting