Soothing Shame and Anger in Parenting

Getting to Know your Shame in Parenting can Set You Free

Listen to my Podcast Episode on the My Bump to Baby Podcast where I chat with Carla Lett about all things Anger and Shame in Parenting.

Shame feels so deeply uncomfortable that parents can end up shaming/ being highly reactive to their kids to unconsciously diffuse this discomfort.

Shame. Even the word can bring up a reaction. According to Shame Researcher Brene Brown Shame is the “Deeply Painful feeling of believing we are fundamentally flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”. Heavy stuff. Getting to know shame can be a game changer in your parenting journey. Shame is the driving force behind a lot of our reactivity as parents.

“I’m Failing”

My journey to becoming a Conscious Parenting Coach began from my own experiences of shame and anger. The words that spiralled round my head in my early years of parenting were “I’m failing”. The thing with shame is that it sticks around when we are ashamed of our shame/ or when we try to shove it out. Shame dissipates when we show up with self empathy, soothing and nurturing ourselves. 

Not Feeling Good Enough

At its core shame is rooted in the belief “I’m not good enough”. Whilst guilt sounds like “I did something bad” shame sounds like “I am bad”. At some point every child will experience the sense that they are not good enough because they are naturally smaller and less skillful than those older than them and because they are learning and growing they make plenty of mistakes. Whether “I'm not good enough” hangs around as a shame based belief system or not depends on whether we are given reassurance, soothing and more positive life affirming beliefs such as “I am a good person”, “I make mistakes/ be imperfect but I am still loved”, “I am capable and strong”.

We can go through life with a core belief that we are not good enough and get on well enough by controlling aspects of our life to “shame proof” us… but then we have kids and that core limiting belief of not being good enough becomes supercharged because we cannot “control” our children. We can guide, encourage, positively influence and set boundaries with our children but human beings are hardwired to not be easily controlled. This lack of control then feeds our limiting belief. “Well this looks bad and I can’t control it, it must be because I’m not good enough”

Shame in parenting is often imbued with these qualities:

Comparison

Comparing your family to some imaginary child/ parent who seem to find everything much easier than you. It can be helpful to get really curious about who exactly you are comparing yourself to? We can get easily stuck in believing everything is going smoothly for others but truthfully we don’t know and will never know what goes on in other people’s homes and dwelling on it too much takes us away from being present in our own lives.

Judgement

Being very affected by other people’s judgements (whether real or imagined) and feeling like everyone is watching you is a very shame based place to be. Living life in fear of what others will think is a real tug on our emotional energy. A route out of this is putting in emotional boundaries: How much of your energy are you willing to expend on strangers? Does expending that energy on strangers take you away from calmly holding space for your child?

Black and White thinking  

Sounds like “I’m failing”, “I’m shit at this”. When we are stuck in black and white thinking everything feels very high stakes. Nuance can be soothing. Moving out of shame might sound like “This is hard but I can handle it”, “This doesn’t look good but I am trying”

Strong inner critic 

The inner critic might say things like “You’re no good at this” Or even “You shouldn't have had children”. Inner critics can be mean but they rarely go away when they are poo pooed or shoved out. Indeed these strategies may only make your inner critic grow louder. Instead try soothing and honouring your inner critic whilst putting boundaries with them. This might sound like. “Thanks for trying to protect me, Inner Critic, but it’s not serving me to hear these words. I choose to believe that I am worthy and can handle this”.

Failure and Isolation 

Shame can show up as believing you are all alone and the only one experiencing failure or wanting to hide and feeling fearful. When we are feeling isolated this is a que to check in with your unmet needs. The unmet need here might be solidarity. Are you imagining you are the only person experiencing failure? If so it can be useful to remind yourself that failure is a universal experience.

Because parenting can so clearly illuminated and expanded shame for me it actually became a gift, it was the start of a journey of shame resilience and a return to wholeness with the more life enhancing belief that actually I am good enough, worthy of love and belonging. From this belief so much is possible.

Emily Hughes Is a Conscious Parenting Coach and Founder of Finding Flow Parenting. She helps parents who are stuck in Anger, shame and reactivity to find more ease and flow in family life. She works 1:1 with Co-Parents and organisations. www.findingflowparenting.coach

Follow her on instagram www.instagram.com/findingflowparenting for parenting wisdom and powerful reframes.